Why Am I Posting About This
I know this seems like an odd post to put on a blog about climate change caused by solar cycles but I am all too aware as times get harder people are going to be faced with horrible choices. This blog is not just about the science or the survivalist aspect of the Grand Solar Minimum. It is about surviving it emotionally. Hard times can steal your will to live. From personal experience I can tell you that the will to live trumps everything else. If you lose the will to fight then it is over. Times will be hard enough already so I wanted to share my story to provide balance. I want other women to have the full picture when faced with these decisions.
On one level I probably should not post this as it will inevitably cause me to lose followers on my blog and Twitter account but I cannot keep silent. I woke up this morning to yet another advertisement for Planned Parenthood in my Twitter feed and found myself in tears over it. If you pay for placement of your tweets it IS an advertisement and I guess that is part of what upset me so much. Abortion is sold like candy, clothes or cars but very few women know what they are getting into so I want to tell the other side. If anyone sees a reason to share this post please feel free to do so. I think there are a great many women like me who are still in too much pain to speak for themselves and younger women need to hear both sides of this story.
What Is An Abortion Survivor?
Obviously the children that are killed before they are born are not abortion survivors so what is an abortion survivor? An abortion survivor is ANYONE hurt by the emotional and physical toll caused by an abortion. It can be the woman duped into aborting her unborn child with lies about “it” not being a real baby only to find later in life she cannot shed the grief and guilt the abortion has saddled her with. It can be the fathers who have no say in the matter because “it’s her body so it is her choice” negates their right to protect the life of their unborn child. It is the grandparents who never had a chance to hold their grandchild as well as the aunts and uncles, cousins and siblings touched by what is often a grief that encompasses the entire family. Lastly it is the children born to the parents of an aborted child because their lives will be touched by their parent’s grief and guilt.
People think abortion is an easy out. Women are often told it is painless and over quickly. I am here to tell you the pain can last a lifetime. When I was 16 I was forced into an abusive marriage. I had become pregnant by what I, as an adult, can only classify as date rape. He was my first boyfriend and I came from a very dysfunctional home so I did not have a lot of self esteem. I blamed myself for the assault even though I kept begging him to stop and telling him he was hurting me.
I did not want to abort the baby and my family viewed my condition as shameful. When my mother decided she wanted me married while I could still carry off the white wedding gown I gave in. I was, of course, told to drop out of high school and settle down to being a wife and mother. I did as I was told and truly did my best but one day the Army decided he could not cut it and sent him packing. Being what he was he came home and hurt me so badly my baby died inside of me and I miscarried. I was considering leaving but had no idea what to do or how to get out of the situation. I was, after all, still legally a child so I stuck it out waiting for my 18th birthday. By the time I was 18 I was pregnant again and he told me he would hurt the baby if I left him so I was stuck.
You can throw a lot of stones there if you like. Honestly, the woman I am at 52 shakes her head at past mistakes but I am also a realist and I know that I was a child from a very limited background so I cut myself a few breaks. I truly had never experienced a home without violence so it was easier to write off my abusive marriage as being some version of normal. I decided the one thing I wanted above all else was to be a good mother. Foolish child that I was I actually believed that to be possible under such circumstances but I can honestly say I did the best I could with the circumstances at hand. The thing I still struggle with is what came next.
I was 23 when I had the abortion. My sons were all preschoolers and my (now) ex-husband decided he did not want another child so he told me I was getting an abortion. I refused and he made it clear I would lose the baby the way I lost the first one if I did not have the abortion. Tired, afraid and with no support system to fall back on I gave in.
Never Ending Pain And Grief
The abortion itself was horrible. I cried through the whole thing. Oddly looking back that is what troubles me most. I was in a room full of women… all medical professionals. I was obviously in great distress yet nobody asked me if I was sure about what I was doing or why I was doing it. I have wondered what would have happened if someone had tried to talk to me about the choice I was making. I am certain if someone had showed the slightest interest not only could they have saved me from the years of self loathing the abortion caused but also from the abusive marriage I was stuck in.
As I understand it there is supposed to be some level of preabortion counseling and perhaps the situation has improved in the 29 years since my abortion. I would like to believe it to be true but somehow I seriously doubt it. I remember being told there was a chance of physical complications but nobody mentioned the possibility of PTSD. Nobody told me I would wake up at night for decades hearing that baby crying. Nobody told me that I would spend another decade in the h*** of that first marriage in large part because the emotional trauma led me to feel I deserved the abuse because I had killed my baby. They did not tell me I would become over protective of my sons or that I would isolate myself socially even when I was able to escape the brutality of my first marriage. They did not tell me I would suffer from depression and feel suicidal at times.
Oddly the one thing I can remember being told was that I was doing a good thing. That I was doing the right thing. It has always bothered me. How can you know someone is doing the right thing if you do not take the time to understand why they are doing it? I wonder at times if the women treating me ever wondered after the fact about the mothers who came in for abortions and why they were doing what they were doing.
Obviously I am not the same woman at 52 that I was at 23. A lot of water has gone under the bridge. Looking back I can see huge mistakes I made along the way because of the grief and pain I felt. I am lucky. I am a pretty straight laced woman because of having grown up around so many people with chemical and alcohol addictions. If I had not witnessed how they destroyed their lives I would have probably been tempted to numb the pain with drugs or alcohol but instead I threw myself into building a better life. I educated myself, remarried and tried to put the past behind me but I still woke with nightmares hearing that baby crying. The PTSD did not go away until I made peace with God. He forgave me when I could not forgive myself and that was the path to healing.
I Am Not Alone
I suspect we are a silent majority. There is a double shame to face if you want to speak out. First you have to admit you aborted your child. That is harder than many people can understand because many of us have reached the point we do not see it as “aborting” our child but rather as murdering it. To stand up and say “I did this. I killed my unborn child” in a public setting is more than many of us can bear so we stay silent. Beyond that we know people will look at us differently. It is a very polarizing subject. On one side, we expect those against abortion to shame us for what we have done. On the other side, we expect those who are pro-abortion to shame us for breaking ranks. So we stay silent for the most part and allow the cycle to continue.
It is not just women either. Society really does discount the pain of other family members when a child is aborted. I have always found it confusing that we can make a man pay child support if a woman chooses to carry a child to term but not allow him any say so in whether his child is allowed to live or die. Never forget it might be her body but it takes two people to make a child and that child is just as much the father’s as the mother’s. We want men to be good fathers and husbands but rob them of any rights in the matter. It shocks me nobody seems to notice the dichotomy of perspective that creates.
We all make hard choices and as difficult as it is to accept you cannot live your life grieving. In the years that came between leaving my first husband I have lived a fulfilling life because I fought the pain and grief. I am not here to tell you that abortion is an unacceptable option. If I do you will not hear the important part of what I am trying to say because we will be thrown back into the same old argument about a woman’s right to choose. Let us step aside from that for a moment and ask instead if it is a choice you want to make and can live with for all the long years that face you.
Normally I leave comments open on my posts but this one is too personal and once I step aside from it I need to move forward so the comments section will be closed. I intend no hurt to anyone by writing this and pray that some good might come out of it. If you have also walked this road and are in a different place please forgive me any pain reading this might have caused you. As I said in the beginning life is full of difficult choices and we are the only ones who fully know our own stories. God be with you.